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I know I haven't written here much lately. It's a dry spell unlike any in my blogging history, which now extends nearly four years into the past.
I guess my main hang-up is... I really don't find it very interesting or enlightening to continually search for ways to express how I've been feeling lately, because there's only so much you can describe, metaphorically illustrate, or otherwise expound upon the core theme that serves as a common vein for the past two months or so:
Lost.
We went to Target last night to get a laundry basket. Simple enough.
Somehow, before we left the doors, I was carrying this:
Granted, we've had a number of things go very right financially lately, so we could afford a discretionary purchase like this. And we had played it while visiting Indiana at Amy's brother's, and enjoyed it tremendously. (Amy didn't care much for Guitar Hero, but she likes the fact that she can sing, and I always wanted to be able to at least emulate drumming). But still, to paraphrase Jake Blues...
That capitalism's a mean wine.
"Q: How many Lutherans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "CHANGE?!?!?!?!?"" -An old joke from my days as a Lutheran.
I'm in a weird time of my life right now, I think. I'm not really sure what to make of things.
Despite a number of factors that should make me exceptionally content and possibly even (gasp!) happy, I'm feeling disgruntled. I'm certain that this has something to do with the fact that my mental health has more rotten ingredients than a stew of month-old leftovers. I'm also pretty sure that not getting jobs at least contributed partially to my current frame of mind, because now I'm in something of an unknown territory, a place that I for four months thought would never happen, a fourth year of Ohio.
Not that it's necessarily bad... I've carved out a decent niche here. I've got a beautiful and loving wife. I've got a work situation that's good, giving me exactly what I need. I've got a year to finish a dissertation that's three months away, tops. Despite my best efforts to be a social outcast, I've made a handful of friends. Financially, we're good. Or at least good enough.
Yet despite all of this, I've been yearning for change. I'm not even really sure what kind of change. By being a finalist for two jobs -- I mean, by probability's sake alone, I had only a 25% chance of not getting a job, and I still didn't! -- I opened my mind to the distinct possibility that change was coming, as assuredly as summer pea-soup humidity. It didn't. I know, everything's working out for the best, in hindsight those jobs weren't great, I should be honored to be this early in my career and still get consideration, etc., etc., etc. I'm over that part of it. Now, I'm restless, or something.
For one thing, I definitely need a true vacation. This year has been hard by a number of counts. The stress levels I've encountered in the past six months have, at times, literally put me into a heap of goo with a stream of tears. Most of that is past, but the fatigue remains.
Luckily, thanks to both Amy and I picking up some extra work for the summer, we've arranged a nice little vacation for the first week of August. We're leaving town and heading to Kelleys Island (no, there's not an apostrophe... the U.S. Board on Geographic Names requires that no named place have a possessive apostrophe in its name. The ironic part of that sentence is that the possessive form of "it" also does not use an apostrophe. Weird, huh?), in Lake Erie and staying in a cabin for a week. There are some scenic things there, like the glacial grooves and such, but we're far more interested in simply having a quiet week of recreation. The cabin we've rented has no phone, no internet and no cable. We're planning to ride our new bicycles around the island, to do a few jigsaw puzzles, perhaps read a few recreational books, swim, and have nightly fires in the outdoor fire ring. I could not fathom a vacation that sounds better right now. When a vacation looked possible, I told Amy to think of places she'd like to go. When she suggested this route, I nearly cried from joy. I've been practically counting the days ever since.
I've also determined that it's time to make a change in my car situation. Not with Virgil. He's really been a workhorse. In the two years we've had him, we've put nearly 50,000 miles on him with minimal hiccups in terms of maintenence or repairs. No, the target of my change is Pedro, the old VW beetler. Pedro has been out of service now for most of a year. True, he only needs minor repairs and adjustments to be useable again, but he has now been out of service longer than half the time I've owned him. I really do love that little bug. I love his character, I love his looks, I love driving him around. But the time has come. I can't have a boat anchor sitting in my garage anymore. When he suddenly dies and needs repair, it's a hassle and it's an expense that we often can't afford right away. He's moving on to my brother, who is mechanically inclined and will give him a good home... a better one than I ever could.
Instead, I will soon be the proud owner of a 1987 Toyota Tercel Wagon. This used to be called a "Hannaford Mobile" because an old friend named Hannaford drove one in high school. No, this car comes to me on a rather complicated horse trading scheme that involves my brother getting the bug and probably also will cause the global trading price of sugar to rise, for all I know. While this little guy doesn't have the immense personality that Pedro had, I think he'll be a good addition to our fleet, and an upgrade in many ways over an oft-injured old bug. Unlike the bug, all of the Tercel's parts and features work! He also has four wheel drive and can haul things. I fully intend, though, to fight hard against Amy's urgings to make this the vehicle that transports muddy dogs. Can't I have one thing that is free of dog grossness?
In other news, some other things have changed. I'd like to think of these as being part of some grand scheme I've concocted under a banner of personal change, but that would be a complete and utter lie. Instead, they represent nothing more than weaknesses, but weaknesses I don't really feel like fighting right now. For one, I started eating meat again recently. After two years of vegetarianism, I thought long and hard and decided that it wasn't a fight I wanted to wage for a bit. I needed some time away. I may be back, I may not. I don't know. Secondly, I've begun smoking a little more regularly than I used to. Not like every day or anything, but more often than occasionally. I suspect that this is a temporary development, and certainly not one I take lightly.
I'm also still seeking to find something decent in religion. Amy is now my partner in this venture.
I don't know where any of this is leading. I certainly hope it's somewhere positive, though.
I could use that. For a change, you know.