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It's been an interesting, although terribly boring, couple of weeks. The time change and sudden 5:45 pm sunset, combined with other factors in my life, has completely derailed my mind. It's easy to derail me, since I already witness periodic shifts up and down. Some more educated people would call that some form of bipolar disorder. I used to control it with medicine. Now, I control it without any such help, not even alcohol. I sometimes smoke cigars, in fact more often than I'd like, to curb some effects. That's all I use.
This derailment has been harder than normal. In fact, this is a pretty rare case. I can only think of two to three times that were worse, and each of those had specific catalysts. This one doesn't have such a catalyst, and that's why it's starting to worry me.
I've said in passing over the course of this blog that I've thought about getting on pills. If I had really thought about them, I would have found a way to achieve that. Now, I'm actually investigating ways to achieve medication. I don't know if that is the best path, and I don't know if I will get anywhere, but I'm actually investigating this time when before it was only a way to essentially whine.
One major problem with these derailments is that they affect my productivity negatively and drastically. There is so much I wish to achieve in my brief time here, and in some ways I feel like I've achieved nothing. By traditional American standards, I am a 25 year-old loser who is still in school after all of this time... and for what goal? To supposedly be some out-of-touch academic who resides in an ivory tower, away from reality. Even in that field, I've accomplished little. I've got two papers on the verge of publication, and I haven't sealed the deal. Such a dark time can really fuck up that progress! One of the most frightening prospects of mortality is leaving this world with unfinished business. That's why you never leave your spouse in the middle of a fight, and you never leave without saying "I love you." That's why I want to keep producing at work, because anything that's rolling around my head dies with me if I don't create something from it.
But, the good news is this: I think I'm beginning to emerge from the darkness. Today, I felt generally better. Tomorrow, hopefully the sun will be out and I'll feel even a little better yet. Maybe not. It sounds cliche, but I really do have to take this one day at a time. I need to pull myself out of this as I have in the past. I need to do my work.
I need to be back.
And maybe getting some pills will keep me that way...
I've said in passing over the course of this blog that I've thought about getting on pills. If I had really thought about them, I would have found a way to achieve that. Now, I'm actually investigating ways to achieve medication. I don't know if that is the best path, and I don't know if I will get anywhere, but I'm actually investigating this time when before it was only a way to essentially whine.
One major problem with these derailments is that they affect my productivity negatively and drastically. There is so much I wish to achieve in my brief time here, and in some ways I feel like I've achieved nothing. By traditional American standards, I am a 25 year-old loser who is still in school after all of this time... and for what goal? To supposedly be some out-of-touch academic who resides in an ivory tower, away from reality. Even in that field, I've accomplished little. I've got two papers on the verge of publication, and I haven't sealed the deal. Such a dark time can really fuck up that progress! One of the most frightening prospects of mortality is leaving this world with unfinished business. That's why you never leave your spouse in the middle of a fight, and you never leave without saying "I love you." That's why I want to keep producing at work, because anything that's rolling around my head dies with me if I don't create something from it.
But, the good news is this: I think I'm beginning to emerge from the darkness. Today, I felt generally better. Tomorrow, hopefully the sun will be out and I'll feel even a little better yet. Maybe not. It sounds cliche, but I really do have to take this one day at a time. I need to pull myself out of this as I have in the past. I need to do my work.
I need to be back.
And maybe getting some pills will keep me that way...
Posted by Your Friendly Neighborhood DJ on November 2, 2006 11:38 PM | Permalink
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