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It's been a pretty shitty month in terms of weather. The grayness has reigned surpreme, so my mind has been off. I feel like locking myself in a dark room, sucking down Marlboro Reds and listening to old sad bastard music. And while I haven't quite done that, my behavior is definitely in that direction -- completely socially detatched, unproductive, mentally restless.
I figured out that if I got a prescription for happy pills, I could get them filled at massive discounts (making them affordable!) through the thing that Montel pushes on TV.
(Montel the 1990s talk show host, not Montel the crappy 1990s, "this is how you do it!" pop singer.)
I don't know if I want happy pills though. Happy pills were fine when my research was social science oriented and I was to be an objective researcher. Happy pills may not be fine when I work in subjective research with an agenda, a passion and a goal of social justice. If my intellectual anger subsides, what becomes of my work? And then, am I really myself at that point, or a drug-induced facade?
What if Trent Reznor was drugged up on happy pills? Would The Downward Spiral or The Fragile, two of the crowning musical masterpieces of the 1990s, ever have happened? John Nash's demons helped him work in some ways, at least when he could control them. I sometimes wonder if mine do as well. I know the imbalance, the unexplained unhappiness, strives me to work harder and seeking fulfillment through that avenue. I usually control my swings pretty well, but I worry they may someday take over. They seem to get louder than ever at times.
Of course part of me wants the easy way out. Of course part of my being wants to take the metaphorical tylenol to ease the pain of my brain being wired a little screwy. The quick and easy fix, and a happy life. But is losing my true reality worth it? Is the prospect of my future work, which I hope will positively influence society even in just a miniscule amount, worth the pain?
Am I just positioning myself as a martyr?
I hope to take the weekend to relax. I need it. I'm getting dangerously close to school burnout, which is a scary thought considering how close I am to a terminal degree. Just a year and a half more...
(Montel the 1990s talk show host, not Montel the crappy 1990s, "this is how you do it!" pop singer.)
I don't know if I want happy pills though. Happy pills were fine when my research was social science oriented and I was to be an objective researcher. Happy pills may not be fine when I work in subjective research with an agenda, a passion and a goal of social justice. If my intellectual anger subsides, what becomes of my work? And then, am I really myself at that point, or a drug-induced facade?
What if Trent Reznor was drugged up on happy pills? Would The Downward Spiral or The Fragile, two of the crowning musical masterpieces of the 1990s, ever have happened? John Nash's demons helped him work in some ways, at least when he could control them. I sometimes wonder if mine do as well. I know the imbalance, the unexplained unhappiness, strives me to work harder and seeking fulfillment through that avenue. I usually control my swings pretty well, but I worry they may someday take over. They seem to get louder than ever at times.
Of course part of me wants the easy way out. Of course part of my being wants to take the metaphorical tylenol to ease the pain of my brain being wired a little screwy. The quick and easy fix, and a happy life. But is losing my true reality worth it? Is the prospect of my future work, which I hope will positively influence society even in just a miniscule amount, worth the pain?
Am I just positioning myself as a martyr?
I hope to take the weekend to relax. I need it. I'm getting dangerously close to school burnout, which is a scary thought considering how close I am to a terminal degree. Just a year and a half more...
Posted by Your Friendly Neighborhood DJ on October 26, 2006 11:19 PM | Permalink
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