Yes, it's gray outside. Yes, there is such a thing as seasonal affective depression. But you know what? It's days like today that I'm just convinced that I'm the most dysfunctional mother fucker to ever walk the planet.

I don't know where this is coming from, for sure. I know I've been diagnosed with enough problems in the past that it could warrant a padded room. I know I've been off of doctor-prescribed medication now for three years. Sometimes, it just knocks me totally on my ass. I feel like locking myself in my office and crying myself to sleep. And I have nothing, really nothing to cry about.

It's days like today when I look at myself in the most negative of lights. I look at my physical self and think of nothing but the bodily decay that I'll experience over the next 50 years. I flip through mental history and replay my most painful shortcomings over and over. I use the word "shortcomings" because that's what they are in my head today. Usually, they're just honest mistakes, accidents, or things that definitely weren't my fault. They're even times when other people hurt me.

I replay times I did stupid or hurtful things as a child. I replay every time I hurt someone, however unintentionally. Times I made my mom cry. Times I made my significant other cry. Times I drove people away just as they got close to me. Times people gave up on me as a lost cause. Times people deliberately hurt me. Times people abandoned me. Times I abandoned people. Times I neglected people. Duties I neglected or never finished. Etiquette I breached.

Bridges I nuked. Not burned, mind you. Nuked.

It's only during these times that my mind goes to the events of the Giant Flush, nearly four years ago. Even though those incredibly painful events positioned me for the relative paradise I have these days, they still come back in my head, and yes, they still hurt after that long. They still make me sick to my stomach if I think too much.

It's almost like my brain time-travels to these hurtful things, momentarily forgetting the life and existence and happiness I've carved out for myself. It's very real, and I'm very there, even for just a few moments. It doesn't matter that I'm better off than before, or even because of, whatever event I'm revisiting.

Sometimes, I think my brain is trying to self-destruct. Why do I dwell on these things, if it's not trying to off itself? None of these events have any play in my daily life. They're nothing but memories. Really self-destructive memories.

I've really only got one half-regret in my life that I can think of, and that was positioning myself to start the relationship that led to the Giant Flush. There were so many times I could've said, "no, I don't think so" and so many times I strongly considered it. The benefits of that time, taken independently, were not worth the pain following. It almost killed me at the time. I've never been more literal. It hurt me because I gave love and devotion to someone who was always a sham, and I couldn't see it until it came crashing down. It was also the only time I actually wished (and prayed for!) harm upon someone else in my entire life history. But I can only call it a half-regret because without that time, without that life-track, I wouldn't be where I am today, and taken that way it was well worth it, gut-wrenching pain and all.

Now, if I can just convince my brain of that.