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I'm having an odd time about things lately. It's difficult to talk about, not because it's painful or emotional or anything, but it's really just hard to figure out how to explain it.
In some ways, my confidence as a student/scholar/whatever has never been higher. I feel like I can do no wrong in my studies. I constantly receive high marks and good feedback on everything I produce. At the same time, in the back of my mind, I feel like a complete fraud who's so far behind that I'll certainly never catch up by the end of the semester. As I've mentioned before, I've come to the conclusion that I'm nothing more than someone of average intelligence who works twice as hard to function at this level.
I feel the same way in the classroom lately, as well. Sometimes, I feel like I've finally figured out how to really explain things to students... but then other times, I feel like a complete jackass like Michael from The Office, though admittedly more politically correct. Because of this, after work, I come home so drained that I can't dedicate time/effort/energy to anything, including myself. Amy and certainly Sancha have gotten the short ends of the stick. Amy's super-extended hours lately haven't helped that either, but we still give each other every minute we can.
This is a whole new level of mental health for me. I normally swing between depressed and manic. Now I've apparently got this third dimension: stressed the fuck out. I've even felt a little homesick for the first time since about September.
I think the problem is this: normally, I work through my mental issues by lounging around and thinking them out. But what happens when my brain is too worn or too burned out after school to think things out? I feel like a zombie so often. This week has been so unproductive at school that it's not even funny. And then, I come home? Oscar, the little dog next door, has been left out all afternoon everyday this week, and he barks incessantly, leaving me with a massive headache.
It's starting to take a physical toll. Tuesday night, I felt like absolute shit. Tonight, after relaxing and getting ready for bed, my stomach began to turn something fierce. I even willingly took PeptoBismol, some of the nastiest shit on the planet. It's calmed things a bit.
I just want to get a good night's sleep tonight. I'm hoping to sleep in a bit tomorrow, go to work and tackle some things. If not, I'm going to be in some trouble. I'm running out of time to get things done.
If I don't write 60 or so pages in the next 2 1/2 weeks, it's curtains on my graduate career.
Posted by Your Friendly Neighborhood DJ on April 20, 2006 12:31 AM | Permalink
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