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This has been around the internet like 5,264,723 times, but I think this is exceptionally funny.
102 Random Facts about Chuck Norris:
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Chuck Norris loves you.
6. Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
7. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
8. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb.
9. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
10. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
11. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
12. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
13. Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
14. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
15. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
16. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
17. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
18. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
19.When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
20. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
21. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
22. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
23. When a tsunami happens, it's because Chuck Norris has been swimming laps in the ocean.
24. Chuck Norris poops light sabers.
25. Chuck Norris clips his toenails with a chain saw. But he holds it backwards.
26. Chuck Norris likes his coffee like he likes his women: ground up, packed in a burlap sack, and thrown over the back of a donkey.
27. Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Chuck Norris threw it.
28. Chuck Norris's belly button is actually a power outlet.
29. Camels have a hump because Chuck Norris needed a place to store his kills.
30. Chuck Norris has a beautiful singing voice. Unfortunately, the sound of it would melt the average human brain.
31. Chuck Norris has a pet kitten - every night for a snack.
32. On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.
33. Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
34. When Chuck Norris vomits, wealthy people scavenge it for food. Too bad for them Chuck Norris never vomits.
35. If Chuck Norris were a ballet dancer, he'd strangle you gracefully with his tutu. And then himself.
36. Chuck Norris graduated from school with a degree in Chuck Norris.
37. Our founding fathers originally decreed a strict separation between Chuck Norris and state. Chuck Norris eliminated them.
38. The only thing Chuck Norris fears is Chuck Norris.
39. Chuck Norris uses staples as hair gel.
40. Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
41. Chuck Norris invented blogging in 1974 in order to keep track of people he roundhouse kicked to the face.
42. Chuck Norris doesn't search Google. He just stares at the screen until Google pops the website he needs.
43. Chuck Norris has more friends on MySpace than Tom.
44. Chuck Norris did not get acquired by Yahoo. He traveled back in time to 1849 and started Yahoo! himself. Now you know how the gold-rush started.
45. Chuck Norris showers with AJAX but no water.
46. Chuck Norris does not use bookmarking to remember websites. He roundhouse kicks them to the face then they remember him.
47. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
48. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
49. Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
50. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
51. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
52. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
53. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
54. Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
55. Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
56. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
57. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
58. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
59. Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
60. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
61. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
62. Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
63. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
64. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers
the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
65. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
66. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
67. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
68. Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
69. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.
70. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
71. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
72. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
73. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
74. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
75. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
76. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
77. Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
78. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
79. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
80. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
81. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
82. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
83. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
84. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
85. Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
86. Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
87. If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.
88. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
89. The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
90. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
91. Forget Wikipedia, if Chuck Norris wants you know something, he will tell you.
92. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
93. Chuck Norris doesn't follow politics, and the last politician caught following Chuck Norris, was promptly followed by a round-house kick to the face.
94. Chuck Norris once survived a suicide bombing... and he was the bomber.
95. Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, water gets Chuck Norrised.
96. Remember The Virgin Islands? After Chuck Norris visited, they had to be renamed "The Islands."
97. When Chuck Norris finds coal, he eats it and shits out diamonds for all of the ladies in the room. Then, he has sex with them.
98. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
99. On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still-beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.
100. Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
101. Chuck Norris can divide by 0.
102. If Chuck Norris is late, time had better slow the f*** down.
Posted by Your Friendly Neighborhood DJ on March 31, 2006 05:16 PM | Permalink
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