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"They" say that heaven will be different to everyone. For me, at least one component of heaven will be perfectly comfortable beds with sheets that, no matter how much you twist, turn, move or jump on the bed, stay perfectly on the mattress. One of my biggest pet peeves in life is when you're lying in bed and the sheet pops off the corner, leaving you a sheet to tangle your appendages in and the sheer pleasure that is bare skin on bare mattress.
My good friend Jon and I had a theory once. We had many theories between us, but this one stayed in my mind through the ages. Anyway, our theory was this: when people get through enough of life that they are finally making it, and really making it -- you know, after getting married and before having kids and all that -- they lavish themselves with a comfortable bed with all the trimmings. Eight-zillion thread count sheets, down comforters that comfort down comforters, super-soft sub-sheets that protect your skin from the softness that is a down comforter, super-comfy pillows that don't go bad after a couple months, etc. To know heaven was to borrow the bed of an older person for whom you house-sit. That alone was payment enough!
I never did, though, understand the 100s of pillows that people put on their beds for sake of appearances. How many tours do you lead through your bedroom each day?
Why am I writing about this at 20 minutes until two in the morning? Right now on our mattress, we have what is literally our third string sheet. See, since we upgraded from a hand-me-down double mattress to a hand-me-down queen mattress after our honeymoon, we've only added a couple sets of sheets to our stash. We haven't made it to that point where we can build the bed of our dreams.
In fact, it may depress many of you to know that our mattress currently lies on the floor... partially by choice (short ceilings in our bedroom) and partially by necessity (the crappy old box-springs couldn't turn the corner to get up here). The floor part doesn't bother us, but the age and wear of the mattress is beginning to do so.
The sheets though on our bed right now are the epitome of bad. They are some miscut queen size sheets that Amy inherited from someone at some point. The cloth is soft to the touch; that's not the problem. The elastic is shot, the cut is wrong and the damn thing doesn't stay on our bed more than 10 seconds after our bodies hit the mattress.
Annoying does not begin to describe. Torture is closer.
Good news is, despite a generally boring weekend, we made new friends at Amy's church. She's been earning my attendance at her church the past couple weeks through completing tasks that I generally find to be annoying. These people are Christian punk vegans pet-owners. Maybe straight-edge too. Carla would be so proud. I will never be vegan, and probably not straight-edge either. I like meat and beer too much to give it up. Still, these people are more our type than those at the old hen's party that Amy attended last weekend.
Oh, by the way, I've updated my profile on this infernal waste of time, as well as my website. Check them out if you're horrifically bored.
And leave me some love. And a decent tip would be nice as well. Don't stiff me this time, jerk.
Posted by Your Friendly Neighborhood DJ on March 6, 2006 01:41 AM | Permalink
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