I know I haven't written here much lately. It's a dry spell unlike any in my blogging history, which now extends nearly four years into the past.
I guess my main hang-up is... I really don't find it very interesting or enlightening to continually search for ways to express how I've been feeling lately, because there's only so much you can describe, metaphorically illustrate, or otherwise expound upon the core theme that serves as a common vein for the past two months or so:
Lost.
We went to Target last night to get a laundry basket. Simple enough.
Somehow, before we left the doors, I was carrying this:
Granted, we've had a number of things go very right financially lately, so we could afford a discretionary purchase like this. And we had played it while visiting Indiana at Amy's brother's, and enjoyed it tremendously. (Amy didn't care much for Guitar Hero, but she likes the fact that she can sing, and I always wanted to be able to at least emulate drumming). But still, to paraphrase Jake Blues...
That capitalism's a mean wine.
"Q: How many Lutherans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "CHANGE?!?!?!?!?"" -An old joke from my days as a Lutheran.
I'm in a weird time of my life right now, I think. I'm not really sure what to make of things.
Despite a number of factors that should make me exceptionally content and possibly even (gasp!) happy, I'm feeling disgruntled. I'm certain that this has something to do with the fact that my mental health has more rotten ingredients than a stew of month-old leftovers. I'm also pretty sure that not getting jobs at least contributed partially to my current frame of mind, because now I'm in something of an unknown territory, a place that I for four months thought would never happen, a fourth year of Ohio.
Not that it's necessarily bad... I've carved out a decent niche here. I've got a beautiful and loving wife. I've got a work situation that's good, giving me exactly what I need. I've got a year to finish a dissertation that's three months away, tops. Despite my best efforts to be a social outcast, I've made a handful of friends. Financially, we're good. Or at least good enough.
Yet despite all of this, I've been yearning for change. I'm not even really sure what kind of change. By being a finalist for two jobs -- I mean, by probability's sake alone, I had only a 25% chance of not getting a job, and I still didn't! -- I opened my mind to the distinct possibility that change was coming, as assuredly as summer pea-soup humidity. It didn't. I know, everything's working out for the best, in hindsight those jobs weren't great, I should be honored to be this early in my career and still get consideration, etc., etc., etc. I'm over that part of it. Now, I'm restless, or something.
For one thing, I definitely need a true vacation. This year has been hard by a number of counts. The stress levels I've encountered in the past six months have, at times, literally put me into a heap of goo with a stream of tears. Most of that is past, but the fatigue remains.
Luckily, thanks to both Amy and I picking up some extra work for the summer, we've arranged a nice little vacation for the first week of August. We're leaving town and heading to Kelleys Island (no, there's not an apostrophe... the U.S. Board on Geographic Names requires that no named place have a possessive apostrophe in its name. The ironic part of that sentence is that the possessive form of "it" also does not use an apostrophe. Weird, huh?), in Lake Erie and staying in a cabin for a week. There are some scenic things there, like the glacial grooves and such, but we're far more interested in simply having a quiet week of recreation. The cabin we've rented has no phone, no internet and no cable. We're planning to ride our new bicycles around the island, to do a few jigsaw puzzles, perhaps read a few recreational books, swim, and have nightly fires in the outdoor fire ring. I could not fathom a vacation that sounds better right now. When a vacation looked possible, I told Amy to think of places she'd like to go. When she suggested this route, I nearly cried from joy. I've been practically counting the days ever since.
I've also determined that it's time to make a change in my car situation. Not with Virgil. He's really been a workhorse. In the two years we've had him, we've put nearly 50,000 miles on him with minimal hiccups in terms of maintenence or repairs. No, the target of my change is Pedro, the old VW beetler. Pedro has been out of service now for most of a year. True, he only needs minor repairs and adjustments to be useable again, but he has now been out of service longer than half the time I've owned him. I really do love that little bug. I love his character, I love his looks, I love driving him around. But the time has come. I can't have a boat anchor sitting in my garage anymore. When he suddenly dies and needs repair, it's a hassle and it's an expense that we often can't afford right away. He's moving on to my brother, who is mechanically inclined and will give him a good home... a better one than I ever could.
Instead, I will soon be the proud owner of a 1987 Toyota Tercel Wagon. This used to be called a "Hannaford Mobile" because an old friend named Hannaford drove one in high school. No, this car comes to me on a rather complicated horse trading scheme that involves my brother getting the bug and probably also will cause the global trading price of sugar to rise, for all I know. While this little guy doesn't have the immense personality that Pedro had, I think he'll be a good addition to our fleet, and an upgrade in many ways over an oft-injured old bug. Unlike the bug, all of the Tercel's parts and features work! He also has four wheel drive and can haul things. I fully intend, though, to fight hard against Amy's urgings to make this the vehicle that transports muddy dogs. Can't I have one thing that is free of dog grossness?
In other news, some other things have changed. I'd like to think of these as being part of some grand scheme I've concocted under a banner of personal change, but that would be a complete and utter lie. Instead, they represent nothing more than weaknesses, but weaknesses I don't really feel like fighting right now. For one, I started eating meat again recently. After two years of vegetarianism, I thought long and hard and decided that it wasn't a fight I wanted to wage for a bit. I needed some time away. I may be back, I may not. I don't know. Secondly, I've begun smoking a little more regularly than I used to. Not like every day or anything, but more often than occasionally. I suspect that this is a temporary development, and certainly not one I take lightly.
I'm also still seeking to find something decent in religion. Amy is now my partner in this venture.
I don't know where any of this is leading. I certainly hope it's somewhere positive, though.
I could use that. For a change, you know.
I've been silent here for a while, perhaps too long. I've been really busy. I know, that's a standard excuse, but... it's true. Between writing a dissertation and interviewing for jobs and teaching a class and trying to deal with the stress of waiting for word and barely hanging on to any shred of sanity, I've had a full plate.
In case you were wondering, thus far I've heard nothing from either of the jobs for which I interviewed. If I had, this entry would take quite a different tone, I'm sure.
In the past couple weeks, I've had interviews with two institutions: University of South Alabama (USA) in Mobile, Alabama and Winston-Salem State University (WSSU) in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. Both of these positions were ones I applied for early in my flurry of job searching (so, between mid-February and mid-March).
Remember, the only reason I had ever applied for jobs this year in the first place was because my funding for next year was basically canceled at Kent unexpectedly in February. Ultimately, I applied for lecturer or temporary jobs at IUPUI, Temple, Auburn, Clemson, Miami (Ohio), Colgate, Toledo, West Point, Denver and Nebraska-Omaha. I also threw in some shot-in-the-dark applications to tenure-track jobs at WSSU, USA, and Wisconsin-Eau Claire.
It's crazy that the two I'm a finalist for are tenure-track jobs, while the crappy temporary and lecturer jobs I applied for showed little to no interest...
Besides IUPUI, which was a pretty crappy lecturer job that I applied for only because it was in Indiana and never did hear anything about, WSSU was the first job to ever show any interest. Sometime in mid-March, I got a phone call from them. It was something of an ambush... I was sitting in the living room, eating some dinner with Amy and watching TV when the phone rang. It was the chair of the search committee calling me at my home to have a 15 minute conversation with me about the job. Jim got a call too, asking about my progress and so on. Everything sounded promising....
And then I heard nothing from them. For months.
I had a couple of flirtations from other schools during a really dark time that included most of the month of April (especially until mid-May when I was finally given a backup plan at Kent). Auburn sent a representative to my talk at AAG, which resulted in nothing more than a rejection letter. Also at AAG, I met some guys from West Point who encouraged me to apply for a job there, which I did. Haven't heard a word. I also got a note from Wisconsin-Eau Claire asking me to be sure my reference letters were in because I couldn't be in the final cut if they weren't. Silence after that.
Finally, when we were in Connecticut taking a foster dog to her new home in the first weekend of May, we got an entirely unexpected email from USA asking for a phone interview. I had honestly debated on whether to even apply for the USA job (I mean, it's "South" AND "Alabama" in the name. Amy almost vetoed it on that fact alone, and I almost agreed!) I took the phone interview, which ultimately resulted in an offer for an on-campus interview. Nearly five weeks passed from that first email to the on-campus interview, and now the interview was two weeks ago (June 2-3).
The Thursday before I left for Mobile, I got a rather cryptic phone call, again from WSSU. Turns out, they had problems getting the absolute final funding for the position, and they were just now able to offer interviews. They offered me one, and I accepted. After some more cryptic emails (the communication was really weird for this gig), everything was set up for an interview from June 12.
I can honestly say that my interviews at each place went very well, at least I thought. I mean, I guess they went relatively well, because I'm fucking awkward, so going well is completely relative anyway. By the end of USA, I felt very confident and comfortable with the people. This gave me even more confidence for WSSU, and I'm pretty sure I kicked ass there. I honestly wouldn't be surprised to get job offers from either institution, though I'm preparing myself for getting nothing. But, to be completely truthful, the last couple of weeks have been absolutely gut-wrenching in the waiting. I honestly feel like I'm under more stress right now than any time in my life. It's like I'm on a 24/7 alert, waiting for that other shoe to drop.
After weeks of cyclical thinking and overthinking, I've finally convinced myself (for safety's sake) that neither of these jobs are happening for me. It's helped the stress somewhat, but now I'm just waiting for the ultimate confirmation that I'm going to be stuck here for another year. (Amazing what a different tone my spatial continuity has inspired today when compared to before! I mean, "stuck here"? Back in February, I was looking for reasons, excuses and means to stay here. I guess four months of mental preparations for a major life change will alter one's perspective...)
Now, what if, by some cosmic accident (yes, I'm bringing back an Andy cliche from 1998), I get job offers from both? What the-fuck will I do? Well, I'm not 100% sure. I want to write about both of the experiences I had while visiting the campuses, but it's a hard task to tackle right now, considering that I'm reading somewhere around 1200 pages a week and writing at least 10 a day. I'm going to break things down as well as I can, by category, and try to display things as a simple comparison for each category. This might really suck, and I'm sorry.
What are you doing here in my hashing of semi-private thoughts anyway?
Salary and Benefits: This is not the most important thing in my mind. Far from it, in fact. I mean, let's be honest, if you're pursuing a career in academics, salary isn't important. But, I wanted to put this first because it helps to frame some other parts of the later discussion. Anyway, down with the numbers: USA's starting salary is $43,000, while WSSU's is $54,000. Income taxes are lower in Alabama, but the cost of living is cheaper in North Carolina. Benefits are approximately equal, except that USA offers a plan where you can use the university's teaching hospital and get all care for basically free. USA offers a sabbatical every six years, while WSSU offers none. USA offers $1700 per year in conference travel, while WSSU offers $800. Still, the pay difference is pretty large.
Advantage: Winston-Salem State University.
Work Load: USA offers a 3/3 teaching load to all (productive) faculty, with a 2/3 the first year to help you get settled. (For the uninitiated, that means that both semesters, I would be teaching three courses). I would also have to contribute the requisite "university service" like serving on committees and so on. At WSSU, the teaching load is a 4/4, which doesn't leave much time for research. In addition, as I'll explain in a minute, I would be in charge of developing a whole curriculum for geography, eventually a minor and major, and a GIS lab, in addition to the normal "university service." Yikes.
Advantage: University of South Alabama.
Teaching/Mentorship Opportunity: At USA, I would likely be in charge of World Economic Geography and Introduction to Human Geography, and the remainder of my teaching load would include a mixture of Geography of North America, Research Methods, Introduction to GIS, Cartographic Methods, World Geography, and others as I develop them. Yes, I said develop them; USA wants me to develop courses, and they didn't seem opposed to a trifecta of Political Geography, Political Ecology and Hazards. I'd also have the opportunity during summer terms to hire advanced students as research assistants, which would be one-on-one mentoring. I would also get to take students on field trips, which is something I've always wanted to do on a regular basis. At WSSU, my opportunities would be dramatically different. As the only geographer, I would be responsible for teaching all of the geography classes, which right now include only Introduction to Geography, Geography of North America, World Economic Geography, Environmental Geography and Urban Geography. I would also be charged with developing a GIS service curriculum to support the Justice Studies major. The dean and department chair also hoped that I would be willing to develop courses to help start a minor and eventually a major, including helping to hire new faculty. All of this would be taking place at a Historically Black University, which means that I would possibly be able to help develop African American geographers, something the discipline sorely lacks. A lot of responsibility, but it sure has a lot of potential.
Advantage: University of South Alabama by a hair.
Tenure Requirements: Generally, USA requires one article per year for tenure, and it's done after five years. WSSU requires around 2-3 articles total after five years. I can't help but wonder if writing three articles at WSSU wouldn't be twice as hard as doing five at USA, given the extra requirements, like oh-I-don't-know writing a whole curriculum that WSSU wants to add to my load.
Advantage: Even.
Department and Faculty Colleagues: I honestly can't say enough about the people at USA. (Granted, my opinion may change out of spite if they don't hire me, but that's to be expected). Every interaction I had with people there left me at ease, with a smile on my face. It's officially the "Department of Earth Sciences," which includes geography, geology and meteorology, and around 25-30 faculty, I think. The geographers number about ten, and are a very friendly, open and collegial group. I've never felt more welcome amongst a group of strangers than I did at USA during my visit. And beyond this, everyone acted baffled when I asked about turf wars, internal struggles and so on. Usually, this question was met with a response explaining how the entire department, including geologists and meteorologists too, all go out to eat each Friday. Wow! WSSU's department is "Department of Social Sciences," which isn't necessarily bad, just different. It does mean that I would be in with historians, justice studies, and sociologists. Again, not bad company. Everyone I met at WSSU was very friendly and enjoyable to talk to. They admitted that sometimes people get annoyed with each other, but that they all got along fairly well. Everyone was gracious for my visit and really tried to make me feel at home as well. But honestly, they had some tough competition in this sweepstakes.
Advantage: University of South Alabama.
Facilities and Library: The facilities at USA were quite nice. The geographers are (mostly) located in the Life Sciences Building, which is located right next to the library on campus. The office space that the faculty had was really quite roomy, and they were granted more space in an upstairs room for research if they needed it. The GIS lab was under remodel, but the temporary one they had set up seemed very well equipped. The library was gorgeous, and well stocked with good books. At WSSU? Well, let me tell you a story. When the search committee chair picked me up at the hotel and took me to campus, we parked right next to Coltrane Hall, which is the main building for the Department of Social Sciences. All well and good so far. Then, he told me that even though most of my classes would be in this building, my office was not because of space problems. No, no... my office was in fact down a hill, across an athletic field, in a portable classroom trailer. The classrooms seemed to be pretty well equipped, though there didn't seem to be any wireless internet access on campus. The social sciences computer lab was kind of a wreck. The library was an absolutely gorgeous new facility... but perhaps they should have spent more money on filling that building with books.
Advantage: University of South Alabama.
University Reputation: USA is a relatively new kid on the block, just being founded in 1965 as Alabama's first state-run desegregated university. The department at USA has a solid reputation as an undergraduate program, and is getting very well known for meteorology. It's not terribly well rated by US News, but then again their rating systems tend to be stacked against big public schools that aren't sucking the research tit constantly. WSSU has a long history as a historically black university, and is known for that distinction. It was founded in 1893, I think. It is rated quite well in US News.
Advantage: Winston-Salem State University by a hair, though that could soon change.
Potential Upside: Both schools have a tremendous amount of potential. Each university is in the midst of a building boom, and the student body of each is growing tremendously (USA right now is around 14,000, up from 8,000, while WSSU is around 5,500, up from 2,400). Something about USA, though, felt notably dynamic, like good things were about to happen there. It was a weird vibe, but a very positive one. In term of the departments, USA would offer me the opportunity to attract students specifically to human geography and such within an established department, which is very attractive. I also had a possibility of taking advantage of one faculty member who seemed like he'd be a really good mentor to my early career stage. At WSSU, I would be starting a program from scratch, which means a tremendous amount of potential, but a crapload of work to even get to a point to come close to enjoying the luxuries offered by USA. This is perhaps the hardest category, because even though there's tremendous potential in each place, the focus of those opportunities is dramatically different. At USA, I have a tremendous opportunity for personal development and fulfillment, because the situation is conducive to this kind of pursuit. At WSSU, I have a tremendous opportunity to build the first geography major at an historically black university and to contribute to the development of African American geographers, which is a more selfless pursuit. I just can't figure out what my purpose is supposed to be, though. One half says help the world, the other says to help myself. What a twisted duality!
Advantage: Even, because I can't decide what the-fuck to think here. (Right now, I'm leaning to USA because I am a little selfish).
Campus: I thought the campus at USA was beautiful, with acres of parkland and spread out buildings and semitropical vegetation... until I walked from building to building in the June Alabama heat. That spacing didn't seem so nice then. USA is still adjusting from its beginnings as a commuter campus to embracing the more pedestrian-friendly models. Bonus points, though, for the geography building being so close to the library. At WSSU, the campus was much more compact, and beautifully landscaped and well-kempt. The buildings were very academic feeling. It just felt very nice.
Advantage: Winston-Salem State University
Athletics: USA, despite its late start, has done well to catch up in this regard. It's baseball stadium looks excellent (think AA-level minor league baseball), its basketball arena is about perfect (I really saw myself sitting there during a game next winter when we visited), and they're starting a football team next year to compete in Division I-A, which will be a bloodbath at first but interesting to witness. WSSU is still a Division II school that is transitioning to Division I in all sports. The football team shares a stadium with a NASCAR race track, though, for an interesting footnote.
Advantage: University of South Alabama.
Other Stuff about the University: USA has a beautiful performing arts center that is well-reknowned, and has a teaching hospital that provides low-cost healthcare to faculty. The dean at USA was more skeptical of me but more engaging about my research. The dean at WSSU seems very supportive of geography and starting a major, but I got a weird feeling that he was blowing smoke up my ass.
Advantage: University of South Alabama.
City and Location: USA is located in Mobile, Alabama. Mobile is an interesting city, with gorgeous architecture and is generally large enough (400,000 metro) to have anything anyone would need. The Gulf of Mexico is 30 minutes away, New Orleans is two hours away, Atlanta is four hours away. Mobile is nearly 11 hours of driving away from either set of our parents. The city has its problems, including a very large poor area called Prichard, pollution, and flooding problems from hurricanes. It seems to have most of the normal cultural institutions, though. WSSU is in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. Winston-Salem is part of the Piedmont Triad, which is a conurbation of around 1.5 million including Greensboro and High Point. Winston-Salem is about an hour from Charlotte, two hours from the Appalachians, three hours from the Atlantic. It is around nine hours from either set of parents. Winston-Salem is kind of a strange town, because it feels really small but has a big skyline. It is focused very strongly on the arts and boasts of a strong arts, music and cultural scene. I'm sure it, too, has its problems, but they were harder to see than in Mobile. Then again, Winston-Salem seems more boring at a glance. Both are definitely in the south, and there was an underlying racial tension in each place. In Mobile, everyone had an accent that sounded like Ellie May Clampett. In Winston-Salem, everyone sounded more like Dale Earnhardt. (I'm definitely going to have to erase the shit out of this post before I allow my blog to go public again, aren't I?)
Advantage: Winston-Salem State University.
Climate: It hasn't snowed in Mobile sicne 1993, though I can't figure out yet whether or not this is a good thing. It is, however, miserably hot and humid from mid-May through October each year, though winters are pleasant. Leaves don't fall from the trees every year. Then again, being only 30 miles from the gulf, hurricanes loom large each year. Winston-Salem is a little cooler though it has its share of summer misery, but also gets a few snowfalls a year (though they melt by afternoon). Leaves fall from the trees in late November. Hurricanes aren't as much of a problem, but tornadoes are.
Advantage: Winston-Salem State University. Hurricanes, and years without snow, are scary!
Intangibles: At USA, it just feels like everything is on the way up and it'd be really cool to be a part of that rise. At WSSU, I just can't shake the fact that it seems like an incredible opportunity.
Advantage: University of South Alabama.
Okay, so now, a really long and pointless exercise later, can you tell where I'd rather go? Me neither, at least not from this crap! Right now, if I got two offers, I'd absolutely go to South Alabama. Honestly, in terms of what I've dreamed of myself doing as an academic, it's the perfect situation. Winston-Salem is an amazing opportunity, but I don't know if it's the right opportunity for me right now. It's a lot of work and a lot of time to make it something that I could have so easily by taking a job at USA. Sure, there are a number of things about Winston-Salem that are more attractive, but the categories aren't weighted equally in my mind. The most important ones, teaching opportunities, faculty and department, and facilities, were all won by USA in this example.
Of course, all of this worry, weeks of second-, third-, eightieth-, and three-thousandth-guessing, could be completely null and void. I've overexamined the total of three days I spent being interviewed more than any three days in my history, rehashing every conversation and moment to make sure I didn't unintentionally fuck something up and have no idea. Of course, as I've thought long enough about it I've come across hundreds of ways that I obviously cooked my own goose at these interviews, including any minute detail I can remember. Convincing myself that I'm getting nothing is a defense mechanism. It has to be.
So, even though I just know these job interviews were unsuccessful, I've managed to do nothing but stress myself out these past few weeks, because a change could be coming, like the other shoe could drop. I've been sitting anxiously and impatiently, shortening my lifespan from the stress, and driving myself to the edges of insanity....
Just waiting for a call that may never come.
